There's No Better Time than the Present

I have had this blog setup for over a year now and just did not know where to begin. I have always been a private person and being diagnosed with cancer did not change that. I keep being encouraged to share my story, so here goes. I will do my best not to erase everything I type. If there is anything you want to know feel free to reach out. I am much better with questions than I am with a blank page. 

 

I was 34 when I found a lump. I was going through a very trying time in my personal life in the fall of 2019. If only I had known just how crazy my year would get. I found the lump Monday evening on September 9th. I had been lying in bed running my hands through my freshly showered hair and just happen to lay my hand across my chest and felt something. It was a small pea sized knot inside what I can only describe as a wad of putty. Honestly, it felt like the putty we used to play with back in the day that came out of an egg-shaped case and I used to stick it to the newspaper to pull off the ink. I had never really felt my boobs in depth, but I knew I had never felt this before. I surely did not feel it on the other side, so hmmm. I was not the type to make sure I did my monthly checks like I had always been told to do. I may have checked myself in the shower a couple of times a year at best. I was young and had years before that was something, I needed to worry with I thought. So just to clear my head, I and made a call to my doctor the following morning. Lucky me, they got me an appointment for later that day. I remember being stuck in construction traffic on the way and thinking I might have to reschedule. Big deal, right? I had just had my yearly exam with my gynecologist in July. I had been checked top to bottom and all was well. I was certain I was going to be told it was nothing and go on about my life. So, after getting checked in and making my way to the exam room, I began the eternal waiting game to see the doctor. When she finally came in, we had small talk and she began the check. She did her thing and shortly after grabbed my hand to help me sit back up while reassuring me that she did not feel anything other than my normal lumpy breasts. Later, I find out this is normal for most naturally large breasted women. Any who, I just have this feeling inside of me to ask for another test. I had read online that often your office can do a quick ultrasound to see if they see anything. I knew the ultrasound tech at the office well and thought this would be an easy request. Well unfortunately she was already gone for the day. My doctor asked if I had ever had a mammogram. I had no family history of breast cancer and I was only 34. So no, never thought I needed to at this point. As she leaves the room to make some calls, I get dressed and meet them in the hallway. There happens to be a cancellation for the following morning, and I took it. I went home and carried on with business. 

The next day I headed to the imaging center for my very first mammogram. I went along knowing this was going to be a nice little appointment where I get my boobs squished between two pieces of glass and have their pictures taken in all sorts of compromising positions. I had my head filled with all sorts of painful memories my mom so graciously shared the evening before of her past experiences. I was ready to get this over with and get myself a nice salted caramel latte before heading back to the real world. I made my way back when my name was called. The first stop, this itty-bitty room with one chair, one side table and a hamper. The room must not have been bigger than 10 square feet. 

I have seen handicap bathroom stalls bigger than this room. I was given my exam gown to change into, opening in the front of course. I was able to keep my pants on which is nice these days. I get called into a larger room with dim lighting. It was nice and warm which was a surprise. The tech helping me was extremely sweet and talked most of the time. She told me all about how her family was messed up and it was a nice distraction from what was really going on. I have to say that the actual mammogram was not that bad. Well, not bad at all. I do not know if my mind was in another place or if she was just gentle. I just remember thinking my Mom must have the most sensitive tatas. Either way, when she was done, she had me sit back in my tiny room. She said she had to review the images with the doctor and see if he needed any additional ones. I waited about 20 mins in my cubby before another tech popped her head in. She apparently was going to take me for an ultrasound. 

As we walked down the hallway, I remember still thinking this was no big deal. I had not recalled my Mom telling me about this part, but they made it seem all so normal. She had me lay down on the table and let me know she was going to check and see if the lump was a solid or liquid filled one. I had made sure I did not google anything detailed about breast lumps prior to my visit. I knew Google would tell me I had cancer and I knew that was not the case. That is just what happens when you Google symptoms of any type, duh. As I laid on the table, I remember asking her about what she was looking at. She showed me what she was seeing and measuring. She took a few photos and asked me just to lay there for a min while she checked that what she had was good enough for the doctor. I felt confident in the fact that this was normal as well and I was in the clear. About 10 mins later she returned...with the doctor. At that very moment, my heart sank. I had this burning feeling rise over me as he made his way into the room and posted up against the counter by the exam bed where I still laid. He crossed his hands over each other and started to speak. I do not even remember what he said. I just remember getting choked up and telling him I needed to call someone who could understand the things he was saying. I immediately picked up my phone and called my Stepmom. She had been a nurse for as longer than anyone cares to admit and knew she would be able to understand what he was saying and relay it to me in whatever brain fog I was going through. I was being told I needed to schedule a biopsy to further check into the lump. I was reassured that this was nothing to start worrying about and that I was in good hands. He and the tech left to get the schedule and I got dressed. Okay, so a biopsy. Lots of women get those. Nothing to worry about. Dang it, that sounds like it might hurt. Well I guess that is what I get for wanting a second opinion. The tech returns shortly to tell me I was scheduled for an appointment about two weeks out. I was on the phone trying to relay the details when the doctor came back in. He asked if I were available then because he would like to just get it done if possible. Uh, sure is what I think I said. I made a couple of calls to update and to let them know I would be held up a little longer. My Mom was working so one of my friends insisted on coming up for moral support. 

I walked through the doors on the other side of the ultrasound room to find some secret back hallway. I was led into another room which was freezing. I again got topless and was cleaned and prepped for my biopsy. The room was cold and dimly lit as well. Once I was all scrubbed and draped, the doctor talked to me about the process. He said they would use ultrasound to guide a large needle into the lump to extract 3 samples for testing. I was able to get numbed for this but only the breast tissue. They had no way of numbing the lump itself, so they let me know there would be some minor discomfort. They lied. Minor discomfort is being stiff after an 8-hour car ride. Or the way you feel leaving one of those open grill Japanese restaurants where they cook in front of you. I remember thinking my arm was literally going to fall off from being help over my head for so long while I laid on my side giving them the best access point to the lump. It was located on the left side of my left breast. It was right where the side boob and ribcage meet. The nurse and doctor were so sweet trying to talk me through the procedure and keep me occupied mentally. I vaguely recall discussing dogs and kids. One thing that stuck out in our conversation was when I asked what his thoughts were. He replied, "Well if you're going to get cancer, breast cancer is the one to get!" I remember thinking how crazy life must be for that to be your most positive though for my situation. I continued to watch the ultrasound screen as they entered the lump taking the samples they needed. I was fascinated by the fact that I was able to watch them deposit what they took out of my lump for testing. After the first two samples we done, it was time for the third and final one. He stuck me again and when it was time for him to pull the trigger as he said, nothing happened. His needle gun was jammed. Apparently, the lump had bent the needle on the third sample attempt. I offered to wait while he retrieved more supplies though I was told that was not necessary. The last step was to insert a metal clip as a marker. This was explained to me as the thing they were see on my future mammograms so they would know this lump was nothing to worry about as it had already been checked. Afterwards I got all stitched, cleaned and bandaged up. Once I was in the room alone, I managed to snap a pic of my bandaged area. 

I genuinely believed this would be the climax to my story. I was ushered to another mammogram room where they took a couple of images of the clip they had placed in my lump for my records. I was also given a card for a Nurse Navigator.  Little did I know at this point, this was an important omen. Apparently, she is the person who calls you with your biopsy results. I slid the card in my purse, got dressed and met my friend in the lobby who had come to lend some moral support. I cannot remember where we went next, but I'm sure it involved food as most of our outings did. 

The following day I was hanging out with a friend and their family that was in town visiting. I was waiting but not waiting on the phone call to come in with my results. I had played it out over and over in my head what my reaction might be either way. How did I feel about what might happen? What would change? Would anything change? Everything maybe? I just did not know which way to go so I just tried to forget. I was sitting at the kitchen table when my phone rang. I answered and the nurse navigator introduced herself. Before I could swallow, she said it. You have cancer. Cancer? CANCER? C.A.N.C.E.R. I am not typically an emotional person and have had years of practice keeping myself pulled together. This day was no different. I remember putting the call on speaker and getting a pad of paper. She was rattling off details of my now upcoming appointments with specialists who would guide me through the next steps. She let me know that the pathology report had not yet come back and would likely take another day. She said I would probably hear back from her tomorrow and to stand by. We hung up and I continued to stare out the window. I focused on what I needed to do next. I was able to swallow this for myself, but I knew I would not be able to tell others. I know I assigned calls to be made to other people so I could hold myself together if possible. My friend quickly got on the phone and started making the calls. I do not remember much after that honestly. The rest of the day is a blur. 

Friday September 13th came, and it was the day I was waiting for and dreading all at the same time. It would be the day when I found out what type of breast cancer I had. This would give me more insight into whether I would need chemotherapy or if I could just have surgery and move on. I took the kids to school and ran a few errands. I was in the salon supply store buying hair color ironically when I received the call. The nurse navigator started rattling off numbers and details from my pathology report. I remember just setting my basket of items down and walking out of the store. Once on the sidewalk I found an envelope in my purse and started jotting down the things she was telling me. Triple Positive Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Estrogen 39%. Progesterone 59%. Her 2 Neu 3+. All of this was foreign to me of course. I had not even begun to allow myself to Google anything even though I knew for over 24 hours I had cancer. Now given the Triple Positive diagnosis, this meant chemotherapy was inevitable. She let me know that since I had caught it early, I was likely able to have a lumpectomy and radiation. This was irrelevant to me. I just remember thinking I had been known for three things most of my life. I was tall with big boobs and long hair. I was having two of those taken from me in one swoop. I made it to my car to finish my conversation with the nurse and finally broke down. I literally lost it. I cried for about 5 mins before pulling myself together and facing the facts. I had cancer and now was the time for me to get my mind right and plan. I had no clue what was next except I had a diagnosis and they best support team there was. I have always been confident in the fact that I knew I had this from day one. I knew I would rather this be me than anyone I knew. I could take this one, make cancer my B and then start a new chapter. This is exactly what I am doing.